Saturday, 15 May 2010

A Personal Post

This pin cushion was given to me by the lady I talked about in my last post.

Made by her Grandmother for her when she was a young girl. You can see the tiny tiny hand stitches used to join the sides together.

The top takes short pins, and the sides take long / normal pins.

Given (her words) From one Craft woman to another.

I will treasure this forever, it means so so much to me, that as just a carer she chose to make a gift of something so special to me. I am sure that unless you sew/craft the meaning of this gift would be lost on you, you wouldn't understand. I don't mean that how that sounds, but what I am trying to say that when you pass on something so lovingly crafted by someone as a gift to you, you then pass on a bit of you with it. I know I am not really making any sense. I know what I mean.

She died last night.

I was not, am not prepared for how sad I feel deep inside.

This job, I love it. But how do you manage to get a hold of your emotions, manage them. Deal with them. Am I in the right job? This is going to happen more and more to me. I have to know, learn how to compartmentalise emotions. Of course I am in the right job, I couldn't imagine working anywhere else.

It was good though as I had a gig to go to after I finished work. Steve Knightly was my teacher at school. I was a smitten teenager (although Phil Beer is my 'ideal' type of bloke). I was doing Business Communication and Business Studies for my GCSE's. He asked if I would type out their lyrics to this song, I jumped at the chance. I never let on that it took me all night to type them up. What I want to know is I was at school 22 years ago. How come he still looks the same????? (just thought of that) This is their new song. It was really nice to have this to go to, to take my mind off feeling so sad. She died peacefully, it is what she wanted, a welcome release. So why am I sad. I don't really know. Maybe it is times like these that one misses being part of a couple, you know someone to come home to and tell, having someone to give you hug, make you feel safe. Instead tonight I feel very much alone.

Enough of this waffle. It is life and I have to knit this after seeing it done in sock yarn here See, life goes on.

13 comments:

  1. I often wonder how carers and nurses cope with watching someone they care for go. It is so sad I really feel for you, have a darned good cry then pland a little shrub in the garden to remember this wonderful lady- I always feel planting something helps, there is something about the physical act of digging and preparing then mad as I am I find it helps to have something to talk to about the person or animal that I have lost and a shrub is as good a thing as any to talk to and to smile at and remind you of someone who touched your life.
    Big hug Jxx

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  2. You have a lovely gift to remember this lady by. I don't know how it is possible to distance yourself from people if you have acted as their carer for any length of time, you are bound to become fond of at least some of them and then when they die you will naturally grieve. I can see that it isn't a good idea to keep getting emotionally involved but I have no idea how you would stop yourself. I think Mrs P's idea is a good one.

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  3. You are in exactly the right job because you have feelings towards the people you're caring for. We all will need help when we're older - wouldn't you rather be cared for by someone who enjoys their work and has some humanity left?

    Having been "cared for" by some nurses after the accident I can tell you that it adds to your suffering if you're being tended to with indifference by someone who hates their job. One or two even take it out on you.

    You probably helped that lady have a peaceful passing. You should be really porud of yourself. And who needs a man to tell?!? Blog about it and we'll listen x

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  4. I think some of the sadness comes from the fact that only last week she moved from a place that had been her home for so many years, with her friends all around her, people who really cared for and loved her to a new place. To someone younger, able, this must be hard, let alone someone who relies on others for her personal care. I just wish she had slipped away whist she was still at H.H. But I guess that is feelings we (staff that work there) all have. And Jen your right, I can just blog, pick up the phone to friends and not have to worry about the loo seat being left up!! Sorted!!

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  5. How lovely to have that momento of a beautiful lady,something that you will treasure and use all the time.Thank goodness there are sweet,kind people like you in the world.You are making such a difference to peoples lives in ways you probably don't realize.
    Sending you a virtual hug..((( )))!

    Bellaboo :0)

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  6. What a beautiful gift you have from this lady, and her memory will live on through you, but separation and death always feel so very, very wrong to me. I am sorry you feel so alone, I am sure I would feel exactly the same without someone to talk things through with, and send you another virtual hug. xx

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  7. oh that is sad - I'm sure you gave her great comfort - what a wonderful treasure you have there.
    I think your sadness will lessen and you will cope as you have great empathy.

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  8. Cheer up sunshine. I would offer to "match make " and find a fella for you, but I have such a bad track record for this!! Hope you feel more cheery soon.

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  9. I think the amount of sadness felt following someone's death is in direct proportion to the amount of pleasure we got from that relationship when they were alive. So embrace your sadness as a mark of a relationship enjoyed - there's nothing 'wrong' about missing something that gave you pleasure.

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  10. Thinking about you. Remember she had a long and hopefully happy life and you did make her feel like a human being towards the end, she must of clicked with you and thought a great deal of you to give you such a treasure.
    Don't be to sad, you can always email me for a 'chat!'
    love
    Lyn
    xxx

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  11. I've loved reading your blog today... thank you for sharing your world. I'm sure I shall be back for another read soon.
    Sara x

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  12. You are such a lovely soul. So glad to know you- even if it is only through our blogs. :)

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  13. hello you ....your a true angel in every meaning of the word ....your blogs are great and have made me smile so much ....so thank you 4 being you :-) your friend me x

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